LOVE, MONEY, AND THE BLENDED
FAMILY
Statistics say that one in two marriages end in divorce. This sociological earthquake has
left the old-style nuclear family in ruins -- but what effect is it having on the
economics of love?
By Diana ShepherdI really
hate this, but I end up having to sign checks to pay Colin's ex-wife's mortgage,"
complains Sara. "We make O.K. money -- enough for the two of us to live on
comfortably -- but when our salaries end up being split between us and Colin's family from
his previous marriage, there's just too much month left at the end of the money."
So when the first of the month rolls
around and they have to write that support check to Colin's ex, the results are
predictable: Sara gets furious, Colin gets defensive. "No matter what I do, I end up
being the bad guy," he complains. "When I bought a computer for my kids last
Christmas, Sara was mad because we needed a new dishwasher; when Sara and I took a holiday
down south, I couldn't afford to send the kids to camp."
Colin feels guilty, upset, and trapped
between his obligations to his former and current wives, and Sara feels angry and
resentful at having to give up a large portion of their shared income to a woman she
wishes had never even existed.
"If it weren't for them, Colin and I
would have a house of our own by now," says Sara bitterly. "Instead, I have to
work so that she can live like a lady of leisure!"
Colin and Sara's dilemmas are all too
common these days. When a '90s bride and groom speak their vows to each other, children
and ex-spouses often come along as part of the bargain.
Blended
liabilities
When you commit to a partner, you tend to
assume his or her liabilities as well as assets -- like it or not. You partner comes as a
package deal; you can't just choose the features you like and discard the rest. This
package includes his parents, siblings, and friends; her taste in furniture and
literature; and definitely any ex-spouses and children from past relationships. When you
take divided loyalties and mix them with jealousy, resentment, guilt, and money troubles,
it's a lot like playing "hot potato" with a jar of nitroglycerin.
If you're considering entering a
relationship in which one or both of you have financial ties to previous relationships,
you'll both have to hone your diplomacy skills: you'll need the flexibility to address
everyone's concerns, and the honesty and tact to be able to express your own desires
without alienating your partner.
Although every situation is unique, there
are some guidelines you can follow to keep past monetary ties from ruining your present:
Communicate.
Be open and honest about your financial commitments and how you expect to
meet them. Your current partner needs to know that he or she is at the top of your list
(financially and emotionally: often, the two are intertwined), and your ex needs
reassurance that you'll keep up the support payments.
Set
limits.
Be firm and consistent regarding the financial obligations to your
previous relationship. If you want to be more generous with your support payments than the
law requires, decide how much extra child and/or spousal support is reasonable and fair to
both sides, how long the additional payments will continue, and under what conditions they
will shrink or cease altogether. Once you've set these limits, diverge from them only in
case of emergency. If you regularly allow your ex to manipulate you into making extra
payments, expect trouble in your new relationship.
Yours,
mine, and ours.
Consider opening three different accounts: a communal account that will
cover your shared expenses (rent, furniture, food), and individual accounts for each of
you to cover "personal" expenses (horseback-riding lessons, a student loan,
child support). In this system, support payments would come out of the responsible
partner's personal account rather than the joint one. Of course, the current spouse is
still affected by the money going out, but it lessens the emotional impact. When Sara and
Colin adopted this system, the first of the month became a lot more bearable. "Since
the support comes out of his account," she says, "I feel that Colin views the
payments as his responsibility, and that he's trying to meet his obligations without
overly burdening me."
You'll have to tinker with a system until
you find what works best for you. Take comfort in the knowledge that -- with some tact and
flexibility -- it really can work. |
