A FAIR NEGOTIATION
Negotiation skills will help you achieve some of your needs and wants without
alienating or angering the other parties involved. Here's how to use negotiation to
resolve disputes and to build better interpersonal relationships.
By Jeffrey Cottrill We've
all heard about those nightmarish divorces that drag on in court for months or years
because one or both parties is determined to get his or her way in the final outcome no
matter the cost. There are also cases in which one party gets "cleaned out" by
the other because of a failure to communicate or inability to stand against the more
powerful personality's demands. Truly adversarial litigation is a costly, damaging process
that often results in at least one party getting shafted: the adversarial
"win-lose" contest inevitably results in bitterness and dissatisfaction for
somebody. That's one reason why mediation and collaborative law have become more popular
as cooperative "win-win" methods of settling divorce. Rather than duking it out
until one party wins, it's far more constructive for both parties to work out an agreement
together -- through the art of negotiation.
Negotiation is an important
personal-relations skill -- one that enables you to get what you want without running
roughshod over those around you. Whether you're dealing with your ex-spouse, friends,
relatives, neighbors, co-workers and supervisors, professionals, or even your children,
you have to be able to put everybody's point of view in clear perspective, so that you can
create a solution that works for both of you.
Be fair to the other party
You know what you want, of course.
That's the easy part. It's when you show respect for what the other person wants that you
move towards fair negotiation. Sometimes a solution that addresses both parties' goals is
possible, and sometimes both parties' goals directly conflict with each other -- but once
both parties understand and empathize with each other's point of view, the situation can
change from an adversarial deadlock to a resolvable dispute.
One of the most difficult barriers to
successful bargaining is when at least one party chooses a fixed position or "bottom
line" and stubbornly sticks to it without considering its fairness to the other. For
example, if both spouses in a divorce want full custody of the children and completely
refuse to compromise, the process won't go anywhere. But if one spouse yields to the other
-- or better yet, if both agree on joint custody -- the process can move towards
resolution. Smart negotiators know that they will have to compromise on some issues to a
certain extent and that they're highly unlikely to get everything they want.
Sometimes, however, a party will be
immovable not because of needs or wants but out of a personal desire to "get
back" at the other party. This only leads to escalated conflict and the kind of
expensive, draining, adversarial mudslinging that you're trying to avoid. Don't give in to
anger or hate. Even if you're still carrying hostility towards the other person over past
issues, keep it out of the negotiation process. Remember that the goal is to reach a fair
agreement, not revenge or "teaching a lesson."
Negotiation is about working together,
not competing or contesting against each other. So if you want the other party to
understand your needs and make a few compromises in your favor, you will have to do the
same for him or her. So listen to the other person. Give the other party the space
and time to make his or her needs clear. Try honestly to understand how the situation
looks from the other side's point of view; this may be the most valuable skill you can
master in bargaining with others, be it in a divorce or any other dispute situation.
Listen to the other side in the way you would like them to listen to you. The more respect
and attention you show to the other person, the more likely the other person will be to
let down his or her defensive guard and show you the same respect.
Even if you know that something the other
side wants is impossible or unfair to you, don't immediately criticize or judge the person
for it. Saying, "You can't do that!" "Do I look stupid?" or "Over
my dead body!" are all good ways to start an argument and burn down the bridge of
understanding you're trying to build. Instead, hear the other party out first and then
deal with how to reconcile your conflicting wants. Is there a solution to this that leaves
both of you satisfied, as opposed to having one happy and the other unhappy? Also ask
yourself if this particular issue is as important to you as you think it is. Would it
really be that much of a loss if you made a sacrifice in this area, or just gave way a
little? Or maybe there's a way both of you can "share" the benefits?
This will require you to "take the
high road" and leave the past in the past. You can't drag old hurts and resentments
into your negotiation and expect it to succeed. Find somewhere else to vent your anger and
frustration -- with a counselor or a support group, for instance -- so that you can be as
calm and cooperative as possible under the circumstances.
A complete understanding of the other
person's perspective as well as your own is essential to negotiating a fair resolution to
any problem.
Be fair to yourself
Negotiation is about give-and-take. While
it's important to let the other party feel that his or her needs are being addressed, be
sure that you're being heard equally. As admirable as it is to be generous and give way on
issues, a deal can't be truly fair unless you're receiving the same generosity and respect
in return. Remember, the saying isn't "do unto others better than you would
have them do unto you."
There are instances in which one party of
a negotiation may give in too much to the other because of a power imbalance: the former
may feel threatened or simply be too much in the habit of giving in. For example, this may
happen in a divorce mediation for a marriage in which one spouse has always been dominant
over the other; sadly, this pattern often continues even when the couple breaks up. There
are also instances in which one party may want to give away the farm to ease his or her
guilt -- particularly if the other party has been very vocal about supposed wrongs or
injustices done by the former. But the object is not to right past wrongs or to keep the
other person quiet: it's to achieve a fair resolution for both. This is where a neutral
third party (such as a mediator) may be helpful in assuring that all get their say in a
negotiation; he or she would be able to spot when one person is getting the short end of
the stick or just isn't being heard.
If no neutral third party is available,
you may have to stand up for yourself when dealing with somebody who tries to take
advantage of your guilt or generosity. Listen to the other party's needs and concerns, but
don't let them completely override your own. Be firm if you know for sure that you're not
being treated fairly; don't give in to guilt or feelings of inferiority. If the person
you're trying to negotiate with continues to be unreasonable, a fair final agreement may
be impossible without the assistance of a trained mediator or collaborative lawyers.
Sometimes, a more firm, confident attitude in bargaining can work wonders. A normally
domineering or stubborn person may be baffled by your refusal to back down and eventually
find no other alternative than to give in on the issue.
When the other party is being reasonable
and agrees to let you have something your way, don't be ashamed to take it. In exchange,
of course, assure the other person that some other issue will go his or her way. Accepting
the other party's concessions is just as important to negotiation as offering concessions:
both reinforce the fact that you are aiming at a "win-win" solution rather than
either of you being short-changed.
As important as it is for you to
understand the other party's viewpoint and needs, he or she has a duty to do the same for
you. Negotiation is a cooperative process: it won't work if either of you is still trying
to get the better of the other.
A better outcome
There are many benefits to bargaining
with somebody instead of arguing or fighting to the bitter end over an issue. Negotiation
turns your opponent into a partner -- even, potentially, an enemy into a friend -- because
you're working together to benefit both of you. You can avoid the increased resentment,
hostility, and awkwardness that result from continued antagonism; you can avoid the wasted
energy, stress, and emotional strain that are involved in clinging to your position and
pursuing your wants at all costs; you can wind up with an outcome that's fair, pleasing,
and the result of your own empowerment.
Master the art of negotiation, and you
will be assured success in human relations in many situations. Follow the tips above, and
you can reap benefits without having to risk being defeated in any "battles."
Negotiating Dos and Don'ts
Here are some things to do -- and not
to do -- when negotiating with someone:
- Do listen attentively.
- Do demonstrate respect for the other person's point
of view.
- Do make your own point of view clear -- without
blaming or whining.
- Do separate your "non-negotiables" from
areas where you're willing to compromise.
- Do look for "happy medium" solutions that
satisfy both parties.
- Don't drag past disputes into this one.
- Don't be rude to, interrupt, blame, or patronize
the other party.
- Don't back the other party into a corner with
absolute demands; these inflexible statements usually begin with phrases such as "You
must..." or "You will never..."
- Don't give in to demands out of intimidation or
guilt.
- Don't expect to get everything you want.
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